We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
