I wish I could teleport
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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