I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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