Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i love accidental penises.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
