No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
