I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
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