Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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