Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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