i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize