My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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