there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
honey bunches of taint.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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