True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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