I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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