I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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