I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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