sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
