Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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