I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
