You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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