The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
