mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
