On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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