Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
