so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
