I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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