On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
