covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
