I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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