yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
