shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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