I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can I color on your dick again?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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