He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize