I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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