just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
