6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
