so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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