Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
