doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
