I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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