Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
