I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
