Porn is love you can see.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
