I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
