I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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