im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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