Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
