omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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