he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
