my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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