Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
