We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
