I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
