I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize