I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
