Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
