Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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