whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize