guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize