Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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